just to pour my feelings out.

It was math test today. As i've expected, i will fail or do badly, in the end...i really done badly in that paper. Ok lar, i can say i didnt have confidence in myself. 'If u think u cant do it that means u cant do it...whatever lar. It wasn't that hard at all. It was just pure carelessness - one of my weakness that i wanted to change for a long time...but failed.

There were 2 questions basically, 1 modelling, 1 functions. It wasnt hard as i've said. My hands were trembling relentlessly when i was doing the paper. Scary. My handwriting was very crooked, but itz no big deal, teahcer's words are like that too. 1st question was quite tricky lar, but i didnt fall into the trap. im not that dumb. With a glimpe of hope, i keyed in the data into my calculator. Happily, i had the answer already in my mind. I knew i was gonna score doubtlessly.

To my horror, the calculator reads ERROR. I tried again and agian..and again. Still ERROR. Omg, i started to panic. I know the answer is exponential graph...IM 1000000% sure! but i cant plot the graph! i checked my readings..there were all correct! sigh...i had no choice but to plot linear graph. knowing that i will be wrong definately. I was running out of time mind u. Writing the wrong answers knowing that they will be wrong, is really....... i dunno how to say. Stupid? yeah..i guess so. BUT I HAD NO CHOICE OK!

So i proceeded to the 2nd question. It was quite easy.. i knew what to do. BUT..again..i was careless lor. I derived the wrong equation. Had to redo. ok...then i rushed through the whole question. Then i plotted the graph, omg..why so weird one. So i checked again. OMG, wrong equation!!! then i redo again...then only i get the correct answer which i think is correct lar. Can u believe it, i've redone a question 3 times. THE WHOLE QUESTION, not part of it only.

Then itz time. Had to hand in the paper already lar..knowing that my 1st question is defintaely gonna be wrong. THE WHOLE QUESTION lar...coz my basic answer is already wrong. Confirmed, i wont do good in this paper.

Went home, feeling utterly sad. But there is nothing i can do. No one to turn to, the only person i always confide in is no longer that person he/she used to be anymore. So yeah, on my own. I know this is hard for me, because im not a strong person, i know that. I always know that and i know i have to change.

Im a person who likes to be praised/complimented/be told that im the best. This is how i get my confidence. But that is bullshit. Nobody will do that for u all the time. i repeat, NOBODY. even the closest person on earth. I really feel like telling ppl that i've done badly, so that they will assure me that it wont be that bad/ comfort me somehow. But i also know that itz very irritating when ppl do that to u. I myself do not like to comfort other ppl. Yeah, im very mean.

Even if i tell ppl i've done badly in tests, they will say : 'Come on, you're leong shu ying, sap sap sui for u' , 'haiyor...u wont be that bad lar...u wont fail lar.' 'haiyor if u fail, then i mai die liao?!'
Nobody understands how i feel. Im kiasu i admit. I DO NOT LIKE TO LOSE. But it has come to the extend that i have to admit that im not that good, im not the best. Itz a totally different environment and i cant seem to fit in. This is very hrad. but i will do my best. I will live my life to the fullest. i do not want to compare anymore, itz very sickening and tiring.

Speaking of comparing. Doing A levels doesnt mean u're smart ok. DO NOT BULLSHIT ME WITH HOW MANY TESTS U HAVE or U HAVE MORE TESTS THAN ME. In the end, ur tests do not have any weightage to ur final marks. so shut the fuck up. U'RE DIFF FROM ME.

Physics tomorrow, i have no more momentum to keep going on. But i still have to.
feel so much better now, itz good to blog i realised.